Pre-baby-body!
During my first pregnancy, I began to learn more about the female body than I had ever known before. It was awesome! This body I owned could do so much more than it had previously been doing...from going to school/working to growing/feeding another human! Wow. I have not lost that amazement. I see the processes of conception, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding as beautiful and spiritual. I have seen more and more of the potential of my body during each of these. From a Christian perspective, I've also read some inspirational words about the woman's body in parallel with Jesus' body - her body in forever changed, scarred, and sacrificed for her child(ren), just as His was.
Third trimester with Kaiboy
3 months postpartum with Kai
Breastfeeding has been rewarding, but also a huge sacrifice. My weight stayed on until I weaned Kai (similar with Asher). If I exercise a great deal or diet, my milk supply goes down. So, it's either feed my child breastmilk OR get my-body back. In addition, I saw my postpartum depression improve markedly when I weaned. So, feed my child OR feel better. Every time I leave baby, I have to think about pumping milk or scheduling feedings around the event. My body does not overproduce milk (or, reframed, my body protects babies from famines), so I never have a buffer/extra. Hence, I am always stressed about baby not having enough milk when I am away. And the list of worries goes on and on. Mother's guilt, right?
Very pregnant with Asher baby
My feelings have forced me to step back and look at what I consider true value. Does my own value (and all women's value) lie in how they look? Do I find what is beautiful only that which fits into a pre-determined image of woman (thin, young, etc)? These ideas are so deeply ingrained in me it is hard to pull them apart. From the moments of childhood, a little girl is shown impossible, fetishized images of women - Barbies, Disney princesses, movie stars. We are shown that the epitome of womanhood is beauty and fertility (also wrapped up in appearance). We hear women objectified by others and openly objectify and belittle themselves. As my body changes, it takes great effort to not see this as failure. It takes great effort to feel beautiful and desired. It takes great effort to always be happy about this sacrifice of my body. I feel that I am tapping into something even deeper with my feelings/thoughts, but I can't quite put it into words. Gender, sex, the body, clothing, control, just something big.
Kangaroo pouch after birth!
My body is no longer just my own, no longer about my relationship with my partner Aaron. It is now about my kids. My body has been pushed to its limits for them countless times..stretched in pregnancy, worked in birth, pain of breastfeeding, living on no sleep and makeshift meals. I don't have the same control over my time nor my body that I did before becoming a mother. This transition is hard, and I am working on trying to spin it in a positive light. This beautiful essay is a start, well worth the read!
This weekend...9 months after baby 2. Asher strategically placed in front of the pouch.
How have you made peace with these sacrifices? Any wisdom?
