Motherhood 1: Sacrifice of the Body

"What are some of the benefits of breastfeeding?" our childbirth educator asked the class.  A short pause.  "To get the mother's body back!"  one brazen daddy-to-be exclaimed.  Jeers, boos, and quick slap to the arm from his wife accompanied his response.  And yet, he quickly put words to our worst fears...the sacrifice of the body for the baby.  The good and the bad below:

Pre-baby-body!

During my first pregnancy, I began to learn more about the female body than I had ever known before.  It was awesome!  This body I owned could do so much more than it had previously been doing...from going to school/working to growing/feeding another human!  Wow.  I have not lost that amazement.  I see the processes of conception, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding as beautiful and spiritual. I have seen more and more of the potential of my body during each of these. From a Christian perspective, I've also read some inspirational words about the woman's body in parallel with Jesus' body -  her body in forever changed, scarred, and sacrificed for her child(ren), just as His was.

Third trimester with Kaiboy

After my first pregnancy, it took me 13 months to loose the 15 pounds that lingered...much longer than I anticipated. My experiences with breastfeeding the first time were also extremely difficult.  We gritted our teeth through the first month and a half and made it work for over a year. I experienced postpartum depression with both boys (more to write about later).  And I experienced body image problems and feelings of insecurity I'd never had before.

3 months postpartum with Kai

Breastfeeding has been rewarding, but also a huge sacrifice.  My weight stayed on until I weaned Kai (similar with Asher).  If I exercise a great deal or diet, my milk supply goes down.  So, it's either feed my child breastmilk OR get my-body back.  In addition, I saw my postpartum depression improve markedly when I weaned.  So, feed my child OR feel better. Every time I leave baby, I have to think about pumping milk or scheduling feedings around the event.  My body does not overproduce milk (or, reframed, my body protects babies from famines), so I never have a buffer/extra.  Hence, I am always stressed about baby not having enough milk when I am away. And the list of worries goes on and on. Mother's guilt, right?

Very pregnant with Asher baby

My body is forever different after having two children.  Body image issues that have come up were unexpected.  As I mentioned, I have never really dealt with this before.  It is upsetting to see other mommies seemingly shrink back to down to a pre-baby-body in no time after a birth.  {Not to be sacreligious here...} It almost reminds me of the Virgin Mary.  Mary could become a mother and still retain her virginity.  The impossible - to have two "ideals" of womanhood.  In the case of my friends, a mother can have a baby and then look like she never did!  Again, the impossible.

My feelings have forced me to step back and look at what I consider true value. Does my own value (and all women's value) lie in how they look?  Do I find what is beautiful only that which fits into a pre-determined image of woman (thin, young, etc)?  These ideas are so deeply ingrained in me it is hard to pull them apart.  From the moments of childhood, a little girl is shown impossible, fetishized images of women - Barbies, Disney princesses, movie stars.  We are shown that the epitome of womanhood is beauty and fertility (also wrapped up in appearance).  We hear women objectified by others and openly objectify and belittle themselves. As my body changes, it takes great effort to not see this as failure.  It takes great effort to feel beautiful and desired.  It takes great effort to always be happy about this sacrifice of my body. I feel that I am tapping into something even deeper with my feelings/thoughts, but I can't quite put it into words.  Gender, sex, the body, clothing, control, just something big.

Kangaroo pouch after birth!

My body is no longer just my own, no longer about my relationship with my partner Aaron. It is now about my kids.  My body has been pushed to its limits for them countless times..stretched in pregnancy, worked in birth, pain of breastfeeding, living on no sleep and makeshift meals.  I don't have the same control over my time nor my body that I did before becoming a mother. This transition is hard, and I am working on trying to spin it in a positive light.  This beautiful essay is a start, well worth the read! 

This weekend...9 months after baby 2.  Asher  strategically placed in front of the pouch.

How have you made peace with these sacrifices?  Any wisdom?

Asher Michael Arrives: A Birth Story

Here is my beautiful boy-

And here is his birth story-

After our positive, natural birth experience with Kai, Aaron and I planned to have a similar experience with Asher.  We shopped around a bit between UNC Midwives, Midwives with Women’s Health Alliance (WHA), and the Women’s Birth and Wellness Center.  I thought I would be drawn to the birthing center, but something just didn't feel right about going there after our tour.  I felt at peace when I met and visited with the midwives at WHA and knew that was the right choice for us.  And it was….( I loved them all throughout our prenatal and antenatal care.)

My pregnancy was good, a little rough in the middle.  I started having regular Braxton Hicks contractions around 20 weeks, and I anticipated baby boy coming a little earlier, since everything just felt faster this time.  I also thought to myself towards the end of the pregnancy–“I bet he’ll come at 39 weeks.”  And he did….

My Braxton Hicks increased a few days before I went into active labor. Early labor and Braxton Hicks blended together this time.  On Saturday, Sep 29, I got the feeling active labor was imminent as the contractions became more painful and came more often, but I was still waiting for more signs of later stage of labor.  I had also been having more regular contractions throughout Friday and Saturday night, as I slept off and on.  These contractions were not super intense, and I could still do things around the house while having them.  Nervous about a work project, I stayed up late Saturday working all night and praying labor didn't start until I got to a good stopping place.  And I did…

On Sunday, Sep 30 (the day I reached 39 weeks), I began need to stop work as contractions came, although I was not having to groan or moan through them yet.  I was hesitant to announce “active labor” until I lost the mucus plug, which was that Sunday night around 8:30 pm.   By that point, I started to vocalize the intensity I was feeling.  All contractions were centered in my low front pelvis, just like last birth – menstrual cramps amped up really high. Most laboring was done standing and leaning on a counter, sitting on my knees or on the birthing ball at our home. I emailed my second-time mom friends to start the labor candle tree we planned together (everyone lights a candle for the laboring mom and sends her prayers and good vibes).  I called Metta, a dear friend who was set up to attend our birth, telling her I wasn’t sure how much longer the labor would be but we were having baby boy soon.  And we did…

Meanwhile during the day while labor was going on, we were still trying to get ready for baby boy.  “He’s coming, I know it!”  or “At any point, this is going to kick into high gear!” or “We really need to hurry!” I would be calling to Aaron.  We spent Sunday packing our hospital bag, setting up baby’s bed, cleaning bathrooms and kitchen, setting up the car seat, and I appliqued a onesie for baby boy during the more intense parts (stopping during contractions).  It was quite the last minute show.  Kai got really hyper during all of this, perhaps sensing something important was happening, and he has basically stayed hyper ever since!  We finally put Kai down to bed around 10:30 pm amidst the bustling busyness.

Aaron and I decided to call my parents to pick Kai up around 12:30 am, since things were beginning to pick up.  They drove up to Durham and got sleepy Kai around 1 am. We called Metta again to announce we were going to the hospital within the next 30 minutes.  I decided to go pee before we left.  As I sat down, I felt baby boy move down and the pain intensify significantly.  “We need to go NOW!” I yelled to Aaron.  I got nervous he might come before we could make it to Durham Regional.  For the next hour or so of loading the car, driving, checking in, and waiting to see our midwife once we got the hospital room, I was “fighting” the contractions.  Meaning, I was not trying to open, but to hold him in.   And I did…

I began standing and leaning on the bed, swaying side to side as the contractions continued to amp up.  Metta arrived soon after we did and she was very helpful with her soothing voice and attentiveness.  Aaron was again rock-star-supportive.   I was given a cervical check by a physician there while we waited on the midwife –“ 7 or 8 cm” she said.   “Good, towards the end!” I thought…”Now, where’s my midwife?”  I was asked to lay down on the bed for 20 minutes of fetal monitoring (Why do they make you lay down for that?!), so I laid on my side with my legs in a semi-squat, bearing some weight on my hands.  They also did several blood draws during this time.   Finally the monitoring was done.  “Do you want to move or change positions?” Metta asked.  And I did…

I knew it would hurt worse to be upright, but I also knew it would speed things up.  So, I was helped up to stand on my knees on the bed, leaning into Aaron for each contraction.  It was super intense at this point, with contractions coming about every minute.  As I worked through these with my eyes closed, I pictured n birth art image I drew during the pregnancy – a spiral moving in a circle at the base of my torso, opening me for our baby boy to come into the world.   I kept thinking in between contractions “Why has my water not broken?! This is way too intense to not be at the end.”  I decided to move to the toilet, thinking if I sat down there it would help the baby to move down more and my water to break.  As I sat down, again, everything intensified.  I exclaimed “Ok, I need to be checked again NOW!”  Juleah, my favorite midwife came in, and said I was a 10.  (I’m not sure how long I had been at a 10 at this point) “Can I break your water? It’s right there,“ she said.  I hesitated, with my no-intervention policy.  She broke it anyway and said “Op, It broke on its own”, as she smiled.  As soon as my water broke, I felt a very strong urge to push as baby boy moved down and my body took over.  “Hold on!  Let’s move you back to the bed” she said.  Without knowing how that would happen, Aaron guided my legs and helped me back to the bed.  I climbed onto the bed into a squat, as Aaron and Metta helped bear my weight from under my arms. The next contraction came soon and I pushed.  I felt him move down significantly and the pain was much, much more intense than I remembered from Kai’s birth. It felt like I was splitting in two.  “I can see the head!” someone said. “He has dark hair like Kai did” Aaron exclaimed.  His head came out, wrapped loosely in the cord.  Juleah slipped the cord off his head.  I pushed on the tail end of that contraction again with all my might, thinking “Get him out of me!  It’s too painful!” and he came out.  Just like that.  No tearing this time! We arrived at the hospital around 2 am, and he was born  an hour after we arrived. Asher Michael Towers was 7 lbs 12 oz and 20 inches long, born at 3:04 am on Monday, October 1, 2012.  Just slightly heavier than his older brother, and we ended up laboring at the hospital 15 minutes longer with him – if you can believe that!

The relief was immediate and sweet.  I felt so much better as soon as he was born. He was placed on my chest and Aaron cut the cord. He got an 8 on his APGAR test, although he was not crying much.  He was taken to the newborn holder in the room and the staff tried to rouse him into crying.  Once they felt good about his crying, he was given back to me, and he nursed for 10 minutes.

We were told to watch for his nostrils flaring or his rib cage flexing inward, for breathing difficulties.  We began to notice both and called the nurse.  He was then taken to the nursery for observation; Aaron left with him. Metta stayed with me, talking and giving me an awesome foot massage (Thank you, Metta!).   I felt great, although very shaky.  After an hour or so elapsed, I realized I still hadn’t seen Asher or heard word of him.  We encouraged Metta to go home with many thanks and much appreciation.  By myself now, I got up and started to walk out into the hall to find the nursery, a bit worried at this point.  Once I arrived, I found Asher hooked up to several monitors, which seemed to go off in beeping alarm every few minutes as his oxygenation rate dipped below the set threshold.  It was terrifying.  I was told not to pick him up and not to nurse him.  As our minds reeled at this situation, we thought “time for a blessing.” Aaron gave Asher a priesthood blessing as I also touched him.  Our friends the Leiningers were wonderful in that Tommy was able to come out within the hour and give Asher another blessing with Aaron.  Asher ended up staying in the nursery Monday, after being checked for infections, collapsed lungs, and all sorts of things.  I had to breastpump a few times, but was finally allowed to start breastfeeding him again while he was in the nursery. 

He was finally released to room-in with us Monday night around 6pm, less than 24 hours later.  He caused quite the scare.  I think this was perhaps why I didn’t feel right at the birthing center, and felt more at peace with delivering at the hospital.  We are grateful nothing serious was diagnosed….we were ultimately told he retained some fluid in his lungs, likely because the pushing and birth was so quick he wasn’t adequately squeezed and aided in this process.  

 After all of this came breastfeeding craziness again (maybe another post for this), but I was better prepared and armed with more information and resources.  We have made it work and Asher is gaining well.  I have been feeling really great after this birth and more relaxed.  Asher is now getting a little chubbier and cuter each day.  He has greatly blessed our family already.  We are so appreciative of the support, love, and spiritual strength given to us through our pregnancy, birth, and these sweet days right after his arrival.  Thank you!

Honoring Women's Gifts and Choices (+ updates)

Quick updates: Baby t2 is 15 weeks along - see belly pic (second trimester). Pregnancy has been really good so far, just very hungry! We switched to a new midwife practice in our hometown Durham and will participate in a group prenatal care program I'm super-excited about. Kai at 19 months is just a doll - everything is the color blue, and he answers "yeah" or "uh huh" to all questions. He is learning to feed himself with spoon/fork, loves movies and music and forts, is a picky eater, reads and sings to himself, is getting a little feisty, and has been hugging other children and babies as much as they will allow. To the meat of the post.... As I once again embark on motherhood with a new little soul, I've been thinking much on womanhood and the many gifts women have. I've been particularly interested in seeking the feminine Divine and have found that as I do so in my prayer, reading, and temple worship, my love and respect for women grows (one podcast I liked linked). The recent debate over Ann Romney's choice to stay at home has given me some pause too. As a feminist, I believe one of most detrimental things we can do is have women against/criticizing other women. Women have so many gifts to offer and do so in many ways; we should reverence and enable each other - stay-at-home or working (not always a choice), with children or not (not always a choice), religious or not (not always a clear choice), lesbian or straight (not a choice), old or young, all races, all cultures (not choices). We are so much stronger and more effective as we support each other. It brings me to a quote I read recently: An enemy is someone whose story you do not know. How true. How much power there is in narrative telling and listening to others. It will inevitably change your perspective and your life. I wanted to offer a few thoughts on the current debate re: the choice to stay-at-home, from a somewhat unorthodox Mormon/personal frame. And noted this is not a feasible choice for a lot of women. First - a piece of my own narrative....I grew up in a Catholic, highly educated home where my father always deferred to my mother and was loving to his children. This helped me to find partners that would respect me. I grew up in a home where I was told constantly that I was smart and could have a great career. This helped me to have ambitions without limit and self-confidence. I grew up in a home where I was urged to choose my own path in dating and family. This allowed me to love without worry or expectation, which I did with a few partners. I gained many gifts from my parents and other role models around me. I decided somewhat tongue-and-cheek that I did not want to marry until at least age 30, and I wanted to be a scientist who changed the world in some amazing way. In my 20's, I went to college on scholarship and was consistently urged to pursue national graduate scholarships, competitive jobs, and professional graduate schools. I was given many opportunities for professional development, leadership, and service. That experience was wonderful. Tragedy hit me at age 20 and caused me to rethink my plans. Somewhere in my searching, I met Aaron and I met my current faith. Something was just different about him and this faith. I felt very quickly that I wanted to spend my life with Aaron, and we married when I was 25. After much deliberation and prayer, I joined my new faith and began to learn more about this new LDS frame of marriage, family, and women. Marriage=eternity, family=highest priority, women=mothers. It was all pretty new, some things I loved, some I didn't. With my background, I felt more balance with my Mormon faith - use my mind and excel, but also reverence my body and motherhood. I chose something in the middle, I suppose. Aaron and I had our sweet baby boy just two years into our marriage, but I went to graduate school first and continued to work part time after. We are hoping to have more children (including the one I am growing!), and my work ambitions continue to evolve. We strive for balance, pragmatism, continued learning, financial freedom, and joy in our family. Our situation is not perfect, but we have been blessed with choices and help from others. And I believe our situation works within LDS culture, although many of my LDS friends have chosen to be at home full-time with little ones and some got married at a relatively young age (linked to interesting reads). I think most women wrestle with their choices either way, which is normal and part of trying to do what is best. My hope is that women do feel that they have choices and find joy is using their gifts in the environment they choose. I am uncomfortable with women not having choices (by circumstance, happens a lot around the world) or feeling as though they don't (social pressure, e.g.). Having my own children has changed me greatly in that I reverence motherhood MUCH more that I did in the past, see its connection to the feminine Divine, and I am always thinking of how I am influencing Kai or other future children as my parents influenced me. I want my children to hold dear the beautiful elements of Mormon theology, while not getting caught in the sticky culture parts. I want them to use their agency and make their own choices. I want Kai to reverence women and think of them as equals, and I want (if, if we have one!) my girl(s) to feel strong, capable, and discover her unique gifts. There are so many other elements to think about, but I've been in awe of women, mothers, water, life, and forming strong women alliances lately! Girl power. Power to the choices of the Ann Romneys out there (Mormon stay-at-home moms). And power to choices of the Hilary Rosens (lesbian working moms). Let us remember how strong we are when we love and grow together. Thoughts or elements from your own narrative?

Anxieties and Loves of a Mother-to-be-again

When reflecting on the incubation and upcoming arrival (late Sep-early Oct) of our second baby Towers, a few items seem to prominently enter my mind:

Anxieties
• Weight Gain (ugh, I just can't get over it! It was SO hard to lose after Kai.)
• Labor and Delivery (easy with K, but weird anxiety this time)
• Super-hard adjustment to a new baby/baby blues
• Affording to fly anywhere again
• No sleep and no working out for awhile

Loves
• Kai becoming awesome big brother (he's hugging/ playing with other babies already)
• Wow, I'm growing a little human...again!
• The future rewards of seeing our children grow up together
• The pregnancy excuse for sleeping and eating more
• My body's strength, adaptability, and power

BT2 is Coming!

Announcement: Baby Towers the 2nd (lovingly abbreviated BT2 or T2) is on the way. Expected arrival date, October 7. Expected belly bump and discomfort date, already here!

Evolution

My last post was pretty heavy, at least in my estimation. I think I started this blog in the attempt to track Baby T (now Kai!) 's progress. I've been off of blogging for a few months since we were without internet, and I had to prioritize my work-time. As I'm coming back to itstowertime slowly, I feel the need to talk a little about some of my experiences since this summer. So, the blog evolves....so, our lives evolve.

I've come to lots of realizations in the last 6 months. The realizations came from a 3-week yoga and meditation intensive, weaning Kai off the breast, connecting with many new beautiful souls, starting to write creatively again, a high school reunion, time alone to ponder, and some great spiritual experiences mixed in all of it. And they've changed my life.

Realization #1 - I was unhappy. This was hard to swallow. Looking back on my transition and experiences becoming a mother, I might have had minor postpartum depression, what I thought was baby blues. Definitions say baby blues lasts only 2 weeks, but my feelings of desperation, unsteadiness, and frustration lasted around 6 months. This was on top of a job that I really dislike and is not helping others in the ways I want. Also on top of me trying to be something I'm not within my faith construct (see last post). More explanation - I felt as though I was stuck in a culture of silence. Silence if one dissents or is different.... because if one dissents or is different, one doesn't belong. A culture where I worried more about how modest I looked than if my heart was truly converting to the Lord a little more each day. It was easy to get caught up in the process of trying to measure righteousness, in myself and in others. Or measuring myself by some assumed standard of motherhood. It was low place in my spiritual journey.

Realization #2 - I had lost parts of myself over the last few years. Grad school sucked most of the fun/carefree-ness out of me. Then my job sucked my passion. Then the early part of motherhood sucked away my autonomy. Then some part of my faith culture sucked away my independent spirit. During all of this, I didn't really see it. I had to face this to starting finding what I lost.

Realization #3 - (these will get better, I promise!) I need movement and time to ponder. My yoga practice and my yoga intensive changed my life in SO many wonderful ways. I felt like little pieces of my soul came back...I could express myself, I could move freely, I was taking care of my body again, I was meditating as I moved, I reached deep down many of those days. I cried, I had spiritual thoughts. I felt that I had another purpose for surviving the wreck 8 years ago - I was not broken so I could help others experience THIS. Finding themselves and knowing the power within their heart. I was so grateful for life. I was so grateful to those who inspired me to pursue my passions. I let go of anger, and I let go of ill will in many places.

Realization #4 - It takes a village. I've received so much support throughout my life. As a mother, the amount, variance, and immediacy of support I needed were greater. I found out it was ok to get help. I went crazy when I didn't have it. And being a recipient of that love has made me want to keep that love going.

Realization #5 - Each person's faith journey is unique and beautiful. I found a greater appreciation for this journey towards God (or supreme reality, or love, or oneness - however one frames it) we are on. We are all unique, so how could we expect anyone's experiences to be the same? I let go of some of my self-expectations and tried to find more joy in the journey. I let go of my checklists and worked on serving more, listening more, and studying with a renewed, honest, and raw hunger.

Realization #7 - I love Mormons, and I find strength in actions that help bind ALL of us together and with the larger communities we live in. I was searching for quite awhile this past year, searching for someone, ANYONE who felt like I did as a Mormon female with some unorthodox views, questions, and conflicts. And I found them!!! YES! By following my heart's promptings, I found a few beautiful, fearless, bold Mormon communities on-line that love, question, and make all feel welcome. One that has changed my life - Mormon Stories (again, I'll devote a post to just this) - has inspired me time and time again. It's message is inclusive and values ALL Mormons perspectives (be they from believing, participating members or from ex-Mormons with their complicated and soulful stories). Through these explorations and heart-opening people, I feel so much more at peace and with a renewed love from Mormonism. A hope burns for what we can all be.

Realization #8 -I've been prepared. This means a lot of things....prepared by my loving mother and father, prepared by the Lord to serve, prepared by my trials, prepared during my education, prepared in my callings at church,...as I grow older, the more I realize everything blends together in this rich life story. The life story helps me to find purpose, talents, and the relationships in so many endeavours. Pretty freakin cool.

Realization #9 - I am not as fearful as I used to be. Causes: motherhood - 50%, teaching yoga - 50%. I am ready to meet new challenges - nothing will surprise you after being a mother! As I ask my students to constantly move out of their comfort zone to experience something transformational, I am reminded I need to do this too. I might even play team sports one day!

Realization #10 - Breaking the silence is a good thing. Silence breeds more silence. Fear breeds more fear. Unhappiness is a spiral. So, break out of it! This is still something I am striving to do. But I keep reminding myself - speak when it matters, speak when it will bring more love into the situation, speak when it is right. Don't be afraid to move forward and be transformed. Your truth is yours. God knows me and knows my heart, but sometimes others should know pieces of it too.

Phew, that was another energy zapper! I'm impressed if you made it this far. Thanks :)

My Brest Friend

Not a Freudian slip, but a type of breastfeeding pillow...much like the famous boppy, shaped and contoured to fit around your waist and to support baby's little body. I never had a brest friend pillow, but I think they name is hilarious and its a nice segway for an update on the world of nursing:

I love it.

9 months ago I NEVER thought I would ever say that. Mastering breastfeeding was the second hardest event of my life. Constant stress, constant frustration, constant pain. How did I not get that memo? It took Kai and me about 6 weeks to get it down- longest 6 weeks of my life! But we made it. I gritted my teeth, cried, got lots of support, and pushed through. I now completely understand the urge and pressure to formula feed – if you remember, we did use forumla to supplement our weight-losing baby at the advice of our peds team. Based solely on my instincts and my support system, I decided to wean Kai off the formula at one month old...against the advice of his pediatricians. It worked, rather easily. Nature came through! I felt as though we stepped out of a cave and into the light. Big change to go from lack of confidence in my abilities to empowerment after our adapatation and strength.

Now, my little guy and me are in a great routine. I feel like breastfeeding is magical, a bit hard to believe superfood comes from me so easily and often. Nursing is our bonding time, and I cherish those sweet moments. I feel so grateful to those who support me and Kai. Thank you!