One Plea for Understanding

“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them” ― Thomas Merton, No Man Is an Island.

I heard this quote today, and I thought it fit in beautifully with this topic I've been mulling over for a few weeks. I hope this isn't preachy or anything, it's just been begging to be let out of me... I'll open some thoughts with an illustration from a Sunday School lesson this past Sunday. We were talking about the requirements for salvation - specifically the process of repentance, the need for faith, and the need to succor to those in need (see Mosiah 4:8-27). There was a tangential discussion about the last point - taking care of those in need. Someone asked about a specific example - "What are we to do when we encounter a person begging for money on the street?" Differing opinions rose, from "We are required to impart of our substance..." to "I just give food in that situation..." to "I know that many beggars are not what they say they are, so I give in other ways..." This particular event happens a lot in our town Durham. Invariably, there are folks asking for money at specific traffic interchanges. They will walk near your car, the great guilt/anxiety comes over you, you choose to give or not. It is such an explicit example of this discussed principle, yet we approach it in very different ways.

 It got me thinking. Whatever your choice in those moments with that person asking for money - it is a reminder, an invitation. A reminder that there are people in our community who live in a vastly different situation than we do. Even if that particular individual you see is not really living in poverty (but I would venture to say most are), there are lots of people who are. Especially in the aftermath of economic downturn. How different would our reaction, our thoughts be if we actually knew that individual's story? What would he or she have to say? We make judgements because we have not heard those stories yet. One course of action would be to get to know the homeless population in Durham, through volunteering with the various non-profits that work with them (e.g., soup kitchens, free clinics, etc). I did a lot of this when I was in college, and I did get to know a number of homeless people living in Raleigh. It definitely shaped my perspective. Of course, it is wonderful to give to those in need, but how great the gift of your time and listening ear. These thoughts made me once again feel immense guilt at my own non-family-related endeavors after graduate school (job that isn't helping in the ways I want, less community volunteering, etc). There is just so much good to be done that I'm not yet doing!

 Last, another faith-related thought. I had a friend come over to talk with me last night, and she wanted to share some thoughts about the atonement. We spoke particularly of Christ's taking upon him all of our pains, weaknesses, and experiences in that event. One of the comforting messages we get from this doctrine is that Christ personally knows us, even each pain and heartache, when no one else truly can. This can empower us and help us to change. So, I was thinking, again... This process of getting to know others, especially through the power of personal narratives, in some ways is similar. We are learning the joys and pains of others - thus giving us understanding and empathy, replacing judgement. Moments of reaching more understanding for someone else have greatly, greatly moved me and forever changed me. This is true in literature, poetry, narratives, conversations, pictures, etc. It reinforces that quote from my last post "An enemy is someone whose story we do not know." Yes, yes, yes! We become better (and more Christ-like) as we take time to understand others, especially those that are different that us. This is something I try to do in most of my decisions - in moments of contemplating the {seeming} inconvenience of service, in the discomfort of walking into a new situation/relationship, spending time with loved ones, making plans to travel, in the wake of voting on issues that impact so many. How can we judge when the window is there to better understand? How much better our community and world as we learn from each other, and truly listen to stories.

 What do you think?

Honoring Women's Gifts and Choices (+ updates)

Quick updates: Baby t2 is 15 weeks along - see belly pic (second trimester). Pregnancy has been really good so far, just very hungry! We switched to a new midwife practice in our hometown Durham and will participate in a group prenatal care program I'm super-excited about. Kai at 19 months is just a doll - everything is the color blue, and he answers "yeah" or "uh huh" to all questions. He is learning to feed himself with spoon/fork, loves movies and music and forts, is a picky eater, reads and sings to himself, is getting a little feisty, and has been hugging other children and babies as much as they will allow. To the meat of the post.... As I once again embark on motherhood with a new little soul, I've been thinking much on womanhood and the many gifts women have. I've been particularly interested in seeking the feminine Divine and have found that as I do so in my prayer, reading, and temple worship, my love and respect for women grows (one podcast I liked linked). The recent debate over Ann Romney's choice to stay at home has given me some pause too. As a feminist, I believe one of most detrimental things we can do is have women against/criticizing other women. Women have so many gifts to offer and do so in many ways; we should reverence and enable each other - stay-at-home or working (not always a choice), with children or not (not always a choice), religious or not (not always a clear choice), lesbian or straight (not a choice), old or young, all races, all cultures (not choices). We are so much stronger and more effective as we support each other. It brings me to a quote I read recently: An enemy is someone whose story you do not know. How true. How much power there is in narrative telling and listening to others. It will inevitably change your perspective and your life. I wanted to offer a few thoughts on the current debate re: the choice to stay-at-home, from a somewhat unorthodox Mormon/personal frame. And noted this is not a feasible choice for a lot of women. First - a piece of my own narrative....I grew up in a Catholic, highly educated home where my father always deferred to my mother and was loving to his children. This helped me to find partners that would respect me. I grew up in a home where I was told constantly that I was smart and could have a great career. This helped me to have ambitions without limit and self-confidence. I grew up in a home where I was urged to choose my own path in dating and family. This allowed me to love without worry or expectation, which I did with a few partners. I gained many gifts from my parents and other role models around me. I decided somewhat tongue-and-cheek that I did not want to marry until at least age 30, and I wanted to be a scientist who changed the world in some amazing way. In my 20's, I went to college on scholarship and was consistently urged to pursue national graduate scholarships, competitive jobs, and professional graduate schools. I was given many opportunities for professional development, leadership, and service. That experience was wonderful. Tragedy hit me at age 20 and caused me to rethink my plans. Somewhere in my searching, I met Aaron and I met my current faith. Something was just different about him and this faith. I felt very quickly that I wanted to spend my life with Aaron, and we married when I was 25. After much deliberation and prayer, I joined my new faith and began to learn more about this new LDS frame of marriage, family, and women. Marriage=eternity, family=highest priority, women=mothers. It was all pretty new, some things I loved, some I didn't. With my background, I felt more balance with my Mormon faith - use my mind and excel, but also reverence my body and motherhood. I chose something in the middle, I suppose. Aaron and I had our sweet baby boy just two years into our marriage, but I went to graduate school first and continued to work part time after. We are hoping to have more children (including the one I am growing!), and my work ambitions continue to evolve. We strive for balance, pragmatism, continued learning, financial freedom, and joy in our family. Our situation is not perfect, but we have been blessed with choices and help from others. And I believe our situation works within LDS culture, although many of my LDS friends have chosen to be at home full-time with little ones and some got married at a relatively young age (linked to interesting reads). I think most women wrestle with their choices either way, which is normal and part of trying to do what is best. My hope is that women do feel that they have choices and find joy is using their gifts in the environment they choose. I am uncomfortable with women not having choices (by circumstance, happens a lot around the world) or feeling as though they don't (social pressure, e.g.). Having my own children has changed me greatly in that I reverence motherhood MUCH more that I did in the past, see its connection to the feminine Divine, and I am always thinking of how I am influencing Kai or other future children as my parents influenced me. I want my children to hold dear the beautiful elements of Mormon theology, while not getting caught in the sticky culture parts. I want them to use their agency and make their own choices. I want Kai to reverence women and think of them as equals, and I want (if, if we have one!) my girl(s) to feel strong, capable, and discover her unique gifts. There are so many other elements to think about, but I've been in awe of women, mothers, water, life, and forming strong women alliances lately! Girl power. Power to the choices of the Ann Romneys out there (Mormon stay-at-home moms). And power to choices of the Hilary Rosens (lesbian working moms). Let us remember how strong we are when we love and grow together. Thoughts or elements from your own narrative?

My Path Back

Mormon...Mormon
I did not know all I bore when I became it
I had loved prayer and warmth, community and endless learning
I did not understand the history, the bureaucracy, the homogeneity
Can my heart handle all the holes as it once did---
lapping up the beauty with the bad?
Unique and Divine is what I hoped for myself and Mormon
A Heavenly Mother and an unquenchable gift of revelation and growth.
For a while I was only a minion--
going through the motions and the expectations
My own guilt and worry broke me.
But I found the spark again
Deep down in my soul and through others who also bore Mormon,
Other who wanted the beauty too.
Truth is our quest
Love is our goal
We want to be good - and the prophet inside us takes the lead.
Seeking, thinking, praying, yearning --
this is my truest way to deity
Unique and Divine -- all paths back to one's God

Someone Worth Dying For

Needed this tonight:

You can't listen and not be inspired!

Evolution

My last post was pretty heavy, at least in my estimation. I think I started this blog in the attempt to track Baby T (now Kai!) 's progress. I've been off of blogging for a few months since we were without internet, and I had to prioritize my work-time. As I'm coming back to itstowertime slowly, I feel the need to talk a little about some of my experiences since this summer. So, the blog evolves....so, our lives evolve.

I've come to lots of realizations in the last 6 months. The realizations came from a 3-week yoga and meditation intensive, weaning Kai off the breast, connecting with many new beautiful souls, starting to write creatively again, a high school reunion, time alone to ponder, and some great spiritual experiences mixed in all of it. And they've changed my life.

Realization #1 - I was unhappy. This was hard to swallow. Looking back on my transition and experiences becoming a mother, I might have had minor postpartum depression, what I thought was baby blues. Definitions say baby blues lasts only 2 weeks, but my feelings of desperation, unsteadiness, and frustration lasted around 6 months. This was on top of a job that I really dislike and is not helping others in the ways I want. Also on top of me trying to be something I'm not within my faith construct (see last post). More explanation - I felt as though I was stuck in a culture of silence. Silence if one dissents or is different.... because if one dissents or is different, one doesn't belong. A culture where I worried more about how modest I looked than if my heart was truly converting to the Lord a little more each day. It was easy to get caught up in the process of trying to measure righteousness, in myself and in others. Or measuring myself by some assumed standard of motherhood. It was low place in my spiritual journey.

Realization #2 - I had lost parts of myself over the last few years. Grad school sucked most of the fun/carefree-ness out of me. Then my job sucked my passion. Then the early part of motherhood sucked away my autonomy. Then some part of my faith culture sucked away my independent spirit. During all of this, I didn't really see it. I had to face this to starting finding what I lost.

Realization #3 - (these will get better, I promise!) I need movement and time to ponder. My yoga practice and my yoga intensive changed my life in SO many wonderful ways. I felt like little pieces of my soul came back...I could express myself, I could move freely, I was taking care of my body again, I was meditating as I moved, I reached deep down many of those days. I cried, I had spiritual thoughts. I felt that I had another purpose for surviving the wreck 8 years ago - I was not broken so I could help others experience THIS. Finding themselves and knowing the power within their heart. I was so grateful for life. I was so grateful to those who inspired me to pursue my passions. I let go of anger, and I let go of ill will in many places.

Realization #4 - It takes a village. I've received so much support throughout my life. As a mother, the amount, variance, and immediacy of support I needed were greater. I found out it was ok to get help. I went crazy when I didn't have it. And being a recipient of that love has made me want to keep that love going.

Realization #5 - Each person's faith journey is unique and beautiful. I found a greater appreciation for this journey towards God (or supreme reality, or love, or oneness - however one frames it) we are on. We are all unique, so how could we expect anyone's experiences to be the same? I let go of some of my self-expectations and tried to find more joy in the journey. I let go of my checklists and worked on serving more, listening more, and studying with a renewed, honest, and raw hunger.

Realization #7 - I love Mormons, and I find strength in actions that help bind ALL of us together and with the larger communities we live in. I was searching for quite awhile this past year, searching for someone, ANYONE who felt like I did as a Mormon female with some unorthodox views, questions, and conflicts. And I found them!!! YES! By following my heart's promptings, I found a few beautiful, fearless, bold Mormon communities on-line that love, question, and make all feel welcome. One that has changed my life - Mormon Stories (again, I'll devote a post to just this) - has inspired me time and time again. It's message is inclusive and values ALL Mormons perspectives (be they from believing, participating members or from ex-Mormons with their complicated and soulful stories). Through these explorations and heart-opening people, I feel so much more at peace and with a renewed love from Mormonism. A hope burns for what we can all be.

Realization #8 -I've been prepared. This means a lot of things....prepared by my loving mother and father, prepared by the Lord to serve, prepared by my trials, prepared during my education, prepared in my callings at church,...as I grow older, the more I realize everything blends together in this rich life story. The life story helps me to find purpose, talents, and the relationships in so many endeavours. Pretty freakin cool.

Realization #9 - I am not as fearful as I used to be. Causes: motherhood - 50%, teaching yoga - 50%. I am ready to meet new challenges - nothing will surprise you after being a mother! As I ask my students to constantly move out of their comfort zone to experience something transformational, I am reminded I need to do this too. I might even play team sports one day!

Realization #10 - Breaking the silence is a good thing. Silence breeds more silence. Fear breeds more fear. Unhappiness is a spiral. So, break out of it! This is still something I am striving to do. But I keep reminding myself - speak when it matters, speak when it will bring more love into the situation, speak when it is right. Don't be afraid to move forward and be transformed. Your truth is yours. God knows me and knows my heart, but sometimes others should know pieces of it too.

Phew, that was another energy zapper! I'm impressed if you made it this far. Thanks :)

Coming Out of the Closet

Got your attention right?

Three figurative closets.

Closet #1) I am a Mormon. Yep, that means I believe in miracles, I believe God speaks today, I have faith in Christ, I strongly believe in community, I believe living clean is a good thing, I try to love when it is hard to. I also love other Mormons...from all parts of the belief and practice spectrum. We really are interesting, yet weird. And I know this, from an outside perspective (being a convert) and from an inside perspective. I would much much much prefer that someone get to know me and then find out about my faith. You never know how someone will react to it, and you never know if someone will write you off without even giving you a chance. I felt strongly last year that it was time to "come out of the closet" as a Mormon at work - it's a pretty big part of my life, plus our group started a contract with the Utah Dept of Health (the polygamy jokes were coming already). My friends already knew, but how was I to even begin to breach the subject at work? Ick. So, I decided to get two artistic photos of the Washington DC temple (where Aaron and I were married eternally) and put them up on my wall. Non threatening...folks could ask if they wanted. In the last 8 months or so, I believe I've had 3 people ask me. Not super successful, but cool.

Closet #2) I'm a liberal, feminist Mormon. Is it an oxymoron? I used to think so, but it's me and it makes me happy. I get pretty passionate about social justice, social welfare programs, the right of healthcare, equal rights, etc. I used to be way more fiery about it before joining the church, and then I wasn't quite sure how to fit it into the Mormon frame. I just didn't talk about it as much, since I was learning how to fit in culturally and socially into this new Mormon world. And how on earth was I supposed to reconcile my new understanding of the goodness and beauty of the LDS people with the omnipresent political/social views that were so different than mine? Ick. Well, I started listening. With an open mind and an open heart. I figured out after breaking down a big emotional wall that if you don't agree with gay marriage, you don't have to hate gay people. I found you could disagree with social programming and yet give the shirt off your back if it was asked (sometimes when it was not). It took me awhile, but I learned to respect the conservative viewpoint, since it now had a face. And yet, I still didn't fit into it. My personal experiences, other shared experience of others, my educational background, and my heart was not there. My beliefs kept me where I stood before my conversion, and my new more faithful heart only served to reinforce the social justice and equality I so longed for.. And “coming out” is hard for me…for the same reasons. I don’t want my Mo friends to dismiss me or judge me if we differed in opinion. And all this was ok for most issues, except the real closet.

Closet #3) I'm a liberal, feminist Mormon who supports gay rights, including the right to marry under law. Ugh. Where do I start? For either audience? Gay rights, including the right to marry might end up being the most important social issue of my generation. We can all agree gay marriage will eventually be recognized under federal law. We can all agree that loving and fellowshipping our LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Questioning) brothers and sisters is important. We can agree gay marriage is an emotional issue, and my faith community is involved in it. This issue has been really sticky for me. Prior to my conversion 4 years ago, I was a very strong gay marriage/adoption advocate. After Proposition 8 campaigning was underway, Aaron's family became involved, and our church leaders spoke out about it as a moral issue, I took even more notice. As a Mormon, I listen when counsel is given from church leaders. I pray about. I find out if those things make sense in my own heart. So, I prayed and studied and prayed and studied and talked to others and prayed.....etc etc etc. I decided just to be neutral about it, since I didn't actually have to vote on it in 2008 and nothing was bringing me peace. (Sidenote: 2012 is here, and NC will be voting on this in the election.) Then, an answer to those prayers came. My angel C (don't use full name so she is able to tell her story when she wants). C is a lesbian who I quickly connected with and became one of my truest friends. We talked a lot, and finally I came out of closets #1 and #2 simulanteously with her. A few weeks later she felt safe enough to tell me about her homosexuality and her partner. I told her "You're an answer to my prayers! And I know that sounds weird!" So, we talked a ton, about being Mormon, about being gay, about life. She inspired me to keep searching and to search harder for answers and something that would settle my heart. I found an online community of liberal and mostly unorthodox Mormons who also inspired me a great deal - Mormon Stories (will talk about in another post). I learned more about my faith's history with social issues. In the end, I am back in a place I started. C explained it best today - "Gay marriage is like yours except my parter and myself have one different characteristic than you. We like girls. That's it." And it's SO TRUE! Homosexual couples are de-legitimized and hurt every time they are not recognized like heterosexual couples are. Underneath every single argument I've heard against gay marriage is the principle that "My marriage is better than yours" and the ubiquitous feeling of homophobia that permeates this country. That might be a harsh sentence for my Mos to follow, but I've come to that conclusion after trying to look at this open-mindedly. It is so difficult to be LGBTQ in our country, why would compassionate voters not want to legally recognize someone's most important support /partner and why on earth would we want to make them feel unwelcome in our faith communities, no matter what their choices are? Another kicker for me is learning that my church (although I love them) has been on the wrong side of similar major social issues in the past (anti civil rights, anti women's liberation, and now anti gay marriage), not to mention our historical persecution related to the practice of polygamy. From what I know of peer-reviewed literature, sexual orientation of parents is not an effective or important predictor of successful child development. Last, I also think there is a hairy crossover between legal marriage and spiritual marriage. These ideally would be viewed/performed separately, as they are in many countries...a whole other discussion though!

What do you think?

Wah-Pow!

I follow a few religious blogs, non-Mo and Mo. On Faith, a blog on religion hosted by the Washington Post, periodically has guest posts from Michael Otterson, who is the head of public affairs for the LDS church. Check out his response to an evangelist's concerns about voting a Mormon into the presidential office.Otterson's article is not an endorsement of Mitt Romney, neither is this post. Simply a reasonable response to attempts to enforce a religious test on those running for public office. Check out this gem:

"What it seems you would like me and six million other Mormons in the U.S. to do is concede a fundamental right granted to all Americans because we don’t fit within your definition of what is theologically acceptable. Fortunately, that’s not what the Constitution says, and it’s not what America teaches. I should hope that I can sit one of my grandchildren on my knee and tell them that in our religiously diverse society they are as good as anyone else, and that they will be judged by the fruits of their lives and not by discriminatory interpretations of their faith."

One Thing Needful

Read this article. Please. Especially all the beautiful women out there. It wouldn't hurt the guys either. Excerpt:
I believe we can find our steady footing and stilling of the soul by turning away from physical preoccupations, superwoman accomplishments, and endless popularity contests, and returning instead to the wholeness of our soul, that unity in our very being that balances the demanding and inevitable diversity of life...Often we fail to consider the glorious possibility within our own souls. We need to remember that divine promise, "The Kingdom of God is within you."

You might have noticed some common themes in my posts lately, namely a search for identity. I assume this is a common reaction post-partum for women. Our worlds become completely different. A friend Jess this week said this, "I just assumed I would still be myself after he was born. I didn't realize how different I would be. I didn't realize my brain would become hardwired to match his brain. I didn't realize he would be a part of me." How true. It snuck up on me, and I didn't even know it!

Mo's Mobilizing in Japan

"As disciples of Jesus Christ, members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints strive to follow the Savior’s admonition to feed the hungry, give drink to the thirsty, take in the stranger, clothe the naked, and visit the sick and those in prison. The Savior also taught that we are to love and care for each other and visit the fatherless and the widow in their afflictions."


The tsunami and earthquake diaster and devastation has been heart-breaking; the stoicism of the Japanese has been inspiring.

Upon wondering how my church is mobilizing in the wake of this diaster, I found this MSNBC article. The church's Humanitarian Relief Fund is another principle way that Mormons can help out.

On a related note - I was particularly touched by Yoshihiko Kikuchi's article in the March 2011 Ensign (monthly church magazine), The Healer's Art, published before the diaster. The article set my heart upon the people of Japan, as I'm sure it did scores of other readers. I couldn't help but think, Is it coincidence this appeared in this month's magazine?

A Lost Art

Last night I spent a few hours pouring over old letters, cards, and momentos from my childhood, youth, and young adulthood. It was invigorating to remember so many events and stages in my life, and I laughed out loud at how romantic and dramatic I was about everything. Most of those recollections came from my writing - I used to write, a lot. Poetry, stories, personal goals, memories, letters to boyfriends, letters to friends, letters to boys that I would never give them, and letters to myself. I had forgotten how frequently I wrote out my thoughts and feelings - very theraputic.

And, for your reading pleasure, here are some samples!

Advice Request for Teen Magazine - classic, right?
Dear Juli: I'm 13 and I haven't been kissed yet. All of my friends have. I've had plenty of boyfriends, but it's never happened. I feel so left out. I want to save my first time for someone I really care about. Is there something you can say to make me feel better? -Unkissed in Mississippi
_________________

Poetry writing instead of paying attention in class - I sound a little like a hippie

I am a sponge
Aching to soak up streets and laughs and prose
Spring myself to the corners
Being hit by the lightning of establishment, of belonging
Always searching
__________________

And...love poetry from a young innocent heart!

Weary head and bleary eyes
still spinning form a kiss
given hours ago

There is a swell of tears beneath me
My body is crying out for yours - its match
It cannot be calmed;

To comprehend this distance is madness

With every second I discover loving you
Fresh and begging
A dream that reached this world
Just for us

How, how did I ever find you?
What mercy granted and honor bestowed...
I am exposed, for you
Rewarded with a glance, a word, a thought
Millions of them flow together
To form every star in my sky

For so long love confused
Now it is pulsing through my veins
You are lingering in the air
Please stay the night, stay for all my life
________________________

These days, I ALMOST NEVER write letters and I NEVER write poetry or stories. How sad! There is so much contained in a letter compared to an email - the handwriting, the pictures, the use of space, etc. I miss this lost art of letter-writing. I hereby pledge to begin anew with letter writing and creative writing. I want the joy that comes from creating stories and images as you sift through your thoughts on paper.

Do you still write creatively or write letters?

Do you ever write about anything besides Mormonism?

...Apparantly not. Sorry, I can't help it! I love my faith AND I love reading about/listening to/talking about others' perspectives on it. I have been following the recent Mormon Mommy Blog hype and the recent Brandon Davies hype via Google reader.

Here is MMB's response to ABC Nightline on the blog hype. I really like what they have to say:

"We choose to put our families first, and we make no apologies for it...we belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and that a common misconception is that we don't worship Christ. We are nicknamed Mormons because of the Book of Mormon, and not because of who or what we worship. We believe in God, the eternal Father. We believe in his son, Jesus Christ. We embrace Christ.

Not only do we embrace Christ, but we embrace His teachings, and our readers FEEL that in their hearts. When they read our blogs, they FEEL good. The goodness emanates from Mormon Mommy Blogs, because we embrace the teachings and principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ....Mormon Mommy Bloggers are a powerful force for good in this world, and they are spreading that goodness by sharing their lives through their blogs."

If you are among those fascinated by Mormon mommies, check out the super-cool Mormon Women Project.

As for Davies, I'm impressed with the amount of media attention. I am not a Cougar fan, as I didn't go to BYU, but Aaron most certainly is. We've been happy with the viewpoint of most sports commentators - BYU's enforcement of the honor code is a breath of fresh air, even if the code itself is (seemingly) too strict. However, Aaron was pretty upset about the unfounded opinions about BYU broadcast on NPR last week. He has written to them in complaint. Aaron is a die-hard NPR listener, and he has expressed concern before about pieces dealing with Mormonism being one-sided, usually negative. It is unfortuate reporting, since some listeners likely aren't getting a balanced view from other sources or (even better) from active members of the church.

All in all, I'm excited that the church (and its members) is in the news. Who doesn't love getting the "inside scoop" on these peculiar people? Let's just hope that the scoop is accurate, well-researched, and balanced.

I'm a Mormon

Oh, how I love these new videos the church put out: http://mormon.org/me/2PGJ-eng
This one reminds me of my eternal love, Aaron.

The Holy Ghost

Our friend Marie got baptized last Saturday. We are so excited for her decision and her joining our church community! She has a wonderful, vibrant, and courageous spirit. I was asked to speak on the Holy Ghost at her baptism ceremony, and I wanted to share the talk with all of you:

The Gift of the Holy Ghost

Congratulations on your baptism! What a wonderful day and great step you have taken on your spiritual path to back to our Heavenly Father and to eternal life!

I am honored to be able to speak to you today about the next part of your baptism, baptism by fire, or the laying on of hands for receiving the Holy Ghost. After you receive the Gift of the Holy Ghost, your baptism will be complete; you will be cleansed from any sin and sanctified. You will also be confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It is worth taking a moment to talk about this next step and how the Holy Ghost can change your life.

The Holy Ghost is most often called “the Spirit” by members of the church. It is also called the Holy Spirit and the Comforter. It is the third member of the Godhead, which includes our Heavenly Father and his Son, Jesus Christ. The Holy Ghost is a personage of spirit and can dwell in our hearts continually. The Holy Ghost does many things: primarily, bears witness of “the truth of all things”, especially the truth of the gospel of Jesus Christ; comforts us in need, guides us in small and big decisions, purifies and sanctifies us, warns us of danger, and inspires us. The Spirit is the backbone of the church, since we rely on members and church leaders to receive inspiration about their personal lives as well as the overall mission and ministry of the LDS church.

The Spirit can speak to us before we receive it as a Gift, as you will tomorrow. You know this from experiences you’ve had that led you to join this church and testified of gospel truths. You have also likely felt the Spirit’s influence throughout your life. Before I joined or knew much about this church, at times I would feel complete peace and happiness from the Holy Ghost, a feeling that everything was alright. I did not know what this was until much later when I was introduced to the church. In contrast to these intermittent visits, when you receive the Gift of the Holy Ghost, you are promised his constant companionship as you live worthily.

The Holy Ghost usually communicates with in a gentle way, often called the “still small voice”. This communication is slightly different for each person, but it is usually not an actual voice. Rather, the Spirit “prompts” us, or brings feelings to our heart, and thoughts to our mind. Promptings can also manifest themselves as a burning in our chest. The Lord describes the how Spirit bears witness of truth in D&C 9:8:

“You must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.”

You will learn to better recognize these feelings over time, and by following the promptings.

Sounds pretty great, right? Well, we must do our part as well. As members of the church, even after we receive the Gift of the Holy Ghost, we still must strive daily, even hourly to be worthy of his companionship. We must be clean, obey the commandments, desire the guidance of the Spirit, and be faithful. The prophet Nephi describes these prerequisites in 2 Nephi 31:13:

“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, I know that if ye shall follow the Son, with full purpose of heart, acting no hypocrisy and no deception before God, but with real intent, repenting of your sins, witnessing unto the Father that ye are willing to take upon you the name of Christ, by baptism—yea, by following your Lord and your Savior down into the water, according to his word, behold, then shall ye receive the Holy Ghost; yea, then cometh the baptism of fire and of the Holy Ghost. And then can ye speak with the tongue of angels, and shout praises unto the Holy One of Israel.”

When we go off track, we are offered a chance to repent and become clean again. This happens as we partake of the Sacrament on Sunday with humble hearts. Sunday is like a re-fuel day – it is best to remove all distractions and focus on the spiritual so we can get back on track.

At the last General Conference, Elder David A. Bednar, one of the current apostles, gave a great talk about how to live worthy of the Holy Ghost. He speaks of the ordinance and our role this way:

"The ordinance of confirming a new member of the Church and bestowing the gift of the Holy Ghost is both simple and profound. Worthy Melchizedek Priesthood holders place their hands upon the head of an individual and call him or her by name. Then, by the authority of the holy priesthood and in the name of the Savior, the individual is confirmed a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and this important phrase is uttered: “Receive the Holy Ghost.”

The simplicity of this ordinance may cause us to overlook its significance. These four words—“Receive the Holy Ghost”—are not a passive pronouncement; rather, they constitute a priesthood injunction—an authoritative admonition to act and not simply to be acted upon (see 2 Nephi 2:26). The Holy Ghost does not become operative in our lives merely because hands are placed upon our heads and those four important words are spoken. As we receive this ordinance, each of us accepts a sacred and ongoing responsibility to desire, to seek, to work, and to so live that we indeed “receive the Holy Ghost” and its attendant spiritual gifts."

He also summaries three ways to “receive” the Holy Ghost: desire for his companionship, invite him through our actions and thoughts, and obey the commandments.

Last, I wanted to briefly share a personal experience I had as I was investigating the church a few years ago. For context, I had had a couple of discussions with my now husband, then boyfriend about the Holy Ghost and why/how communication could happen. I remember it sounded so great, but I felt very unworthy. One night, I was having a conversation with my mom about why events in my life were not turning out the way I’d hoped. I was very frustrated, and she told me “I think God is leading you in a different direction. Maybe this is not what he wants you to do right now.” In my selfishness and frustration, I had not really considered this. Her statement spoke straight to my heart. I pondered her words, and their implication – mostly that I was supposed to focus on my faith at this time and that I had been led to Aaron, and therefore the church. I thought on it all night, prayerfully. As I lay in my bed, I felt a burning in my chest. It was undeniable. I remember it was sort of like eating a peppermint and then drinking a cold drink. I was afraid to move for fear it would leave. Then, I knew. God had been leading me and would continue to lead me. I excitedly told Aaron the next day, and my journey to joining the church began. I have never forgotten that experience, and I strive to have more like that.

Tomorrow, as you are given gift of Holy Ghost and confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, know you are promised something wonderful - a comforter, a teacher, and a revelator to be in your heart always. I pray that you and your family will be blessed richly by this gift and you will seek the Spirit in your thought and actions continually.

In the name of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Miracle

Miracle
Author: Jewel

listen!

do you hear it?
i do.
i can feel it.
i expect a miracle is coming.

it has set loose this retlessness
inside of me.
expect it.
dream about it.
give birth to it in your being.

know! something good
is coming down the line.
finding its way to you
like all things find
their way to god's children.

listen!


Miracle of love
Author: Unknown

Before you were conceived, I wanted you
Before you were born, I loved you
Before you were here an hour, I would die for you
This is the miracle of love

Rwandan Health Care

Lessons from and obstacles for Rwanda, one of Africa's poorest nations.

This article really struck me today - 1) it made me miss studying/working on international public health issues, 2) it got me thinking about the new US healthcare plan, and 3) it makes me appreciative that I have health care and am a healthy person/ponder my role in making the world healthier.

When I was a little kid, I used to answer "What do you want to be when you grow up?" with "First, a scientist. Second, I want to go around changing the world." I've been thinking about my mark on the world thus far and how I will show my child this by example. Have I accomplished anything with that second goal? Of course, raising a child well is one of the most important and most impactual ways to change your world. What about beyond that? Are Aaron and I really stretching ourselves?

Nip It and Flip It

Aar and I have exchanged many emails about toxic chemicals in the past few months. We have exchanged many emails about the dangers of giving birth in pitocin-happy hospitals. Frankly, we are becoming parents, and parents worry. So, when I happened upon this blog post, it rang quite true. The author's motto: Nip It and Flip It. Translation: Eliminate “the bad” and support “the good.” Please read this post if you need a reality check like us! :) Quote I liked:

“When you’re afraid of the dark, turn on the light. Instead of focusing on all the bad stuff in the world, flip your attention to the good stuff. Start a new flow of information that’s positive and hope inducing instead of negative and fear inducing. Focus on ways we’re making the world a healthier, cleaner, better place; on people cleaning up the oil spill, running greener factories, and helping people live better. There’s a whole lot more good in the world than bad, more kindness than hostility, more beauty than pollution. They just don’t make the headlines.”

One Year Sealed!

Last Sunday (4/11/10) marked one year since Aaron and I were sealed for eternity. One year ago, we headed up the Washington, DC to make an eternal committment to one another in the DC LDS Temple. It was a very special day for us, which we were fortunate to share with family and friends. The sealer (priest authorized to perform the ordinance) mentioned angels were there watching over the event - this was really special.

It has been a truly wonderful year, filled with lots of joy. I couldn't ask for a sweeter, more thoughtful, or more balancing companion and spouse. Aaron and my eternal committment to each other and temple covenants really deepened our relationship; our perspective on family changed for the better. And, our little Baby Towers will be directly affected - our children will be "born into the covenant" and will be sealed to us eternally. It brings peace to know that our family can be together into the next life, even if we are separated in this earthly life for a while.

We celebrated the one year with homemade Chicken Parmigiana, homemade raspberry NY Cheesecake, going to serve at the Apex, NC Temple, and having dinner with our local Mormon missionaries (who were instrumental in helping me on my spiritual journey with my faith, and thus, the temple). It was fabulous.

Some of you may be thinking, "Wait, you guys got married in July, and I was there!" Yes, you are totally correct. We got married for "time" in July 2008 - a typical wedding where we committed to be together "till death does us part". We were not yet ready to enter into a temple, or eternal marriage at that time (I needed to take temple preparatory classes, make specific lifestyle changes, and be a member of the LDS church for a year first). When that time came and those changes were made, we went to the temple and made a deeper committment. This eternal marriage can last beyond "till death does us part" if we live and keep our temple covenants, which is really amazing.

If you are interested, here is a short video (3 min) about Mormon temples. Here is another.

Peaceful Moments

There is just nothing like going on a long run and then plopping down somewhere outside to let your body absorb all the work it just did and your senses absorb all the scenery and smells. I find these moments to be some of the most peaceful and calming. My mind slows down. I can pray. I can be thankful.

My dear friend Paul taught me how to do this in college. We would run around Lake Johnson (near NCSU) and stop on the long walking bridge at the end of the run - standing there without talking, just looking out over the water for about 10 minutes. It was the reward. From that point on, I grew to love those 10 minutes after my runs. I can find sanctuary in most outdoor places.

As you might have guessed, I had the opportunity to do just this today. I have a little meditation spot right off UNC campus that I love running back to. Just the baby and me. Maybe the baby will learn to love running just because I've been running while pregnant (albeit slower and with breaks).

Do you have a peaceful place? What brings peace to your heart?

Mormonism 101

As a Latter-Day Saint, I am always trying to keep up with the "mormon buzz". Whether the buzz is LDS in the news, information from the church, or thoughts from friends and colleagues, I'm interested. On one of my weekly "mormon" searches on Google News, I ran across a speech that Elder Dallin H. Oaks, one of the 12 current apostles of the LDS church, gave at Harvard University in an annual Mormonism 101 series.



In his talk, he outlines the major doctrines of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints eloquently and succinctly. If only I could express myself so well! Often, I get questions from friends and family about the Church, our beliefs, and our practices. I must admit, I love those conversations. The LDS faith is an integral part of my life now - its precepts underlie many of my personal decisions, how I treat others, how I approach situations, and how I view the purpose of this life and my own personal calling here. I am always happy to share this with others. In addition, I think any dialogue among non-Mormons and Mormons is great. There seems to be much misunderstanding on both sides - so, please, if you ever have a question, just ask me!

Here is the transcript for Oaks' talk. It is worth the read! By the way, the LDS Newsroom (where this transcript is posted) is a great resource if you ever want to read the Church's offical public comments (e.g., same-sex marriage, church news around the world, etc).

Word of Wisdom

I was assigned to give a talk at church today, to introduce the Word of Wisdom (revelation about refraining from harmful substances and eating healthy foods) to the congregation and share some of my thoughts about it. As I was reading and studying to prepare the content, I became more enthusiastic about the subject. I thought more about how I could relate it to my own experiences - seeing the issues many face by not following the counsel, my own transition as a convert, and the perspective I gain from my job. Here is the talk if you would like to read:

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"Neither the Church nor the world at large can hear too much about the Word of Wisdom. It is a doctrine given to man for man’s happiness and benefit. It is part of the philosophy of living… He who fails to live it robs himself of strength of body and strength of character to which he is entitled.” (Chapter 11 of Teachings of Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay)

The Word of Wisdom, or section 89 of the Doctrine and Covenants, was revealed to the prophet Joseph Smith in February 1833. The month prior to the revelation, a School of Prophets was organized to train priesthood holders in how to best fulfill their callings and preach the gospel. When they met, many of them smoked pipes and chewed tobacco. This tobacco use bothered the prophet, and he inquired of Lord about it. In response to Joseph’s inquiry on the matter, the Lord revealed the Word of Wisdom.

The Word of Wisdom is a law of health which specifies foods that are good for us and substances which are not. It also lists the blessings promised to those who follow the counsel. In summary, the Word of Wisdom lists alcoholic drinks, tobacco, tea, and coffee as not good for man. Grains, vegetables, herbs, and fruits are all listed as good to eat. Meats are also to eat, but should be used sparingly. The revelation does not specifically mention illegal drugs or other addictive substances, but the basic principles outlined therein – to eat things that are healthy for the body and avoid those that are not – easily applies to such items.

The blessings predicated for those who following the counsel are “health in their navel and marrow to their bones; wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures; [they shall] run and not be weary, and shall walk and not faint; [lastly, the Lord promises] that the destroying angel shall pass by them, as the children of Israel, and not slay them." (Doctrine & Covenants 89:18–21)

Many members of the church, myself included, are faced with questions about the Word of Wisdom – especially the avoidance of harmful substances. I have found the best explanation for them and for myself is found in Doctrine & Covenants 29:34, “Wherefore, verily I say unto you that all things unto me are spiritual, and not at any time have I given unto you a law which was temporal”. In other words, Latter-Day Saints abstain from addictive, harmful substances and eat healthy foods in moderation because this benefits our bodies, provides us with precious agency, and helps invite spiritual companionship of the Holy Ghost. In addition, our care for our body is intrinsically linked to the care for our spirit. We should never be ashamed or embarrassed to explain why we make such choices.

Addiction is a powerful vice. Most or many of us face addictions, in many forms and to varying degrees. The addiction related to harmful substances is very powerful. I have seen it in my own family, among many friends, among patients, and among strangers. The portion of the Word of Wisdom addressing harmful, addictive substances in given for a purpose. Regular use of such things creates dependence and laziness of the body, and, in some cases, the thought that one is free from any consequences related to actions. “The Church urges men to have self-mastery to control their appetites, their tempers, and their speech. A man is not at his best when he is a slave to some habit. A man is not his best who lives merely to gratify his passions.” (Chapter 11 of Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: David O McKay) If we can master temptation to use such substances, we become stronger. This mastery can be used to conquer other temptations or addictions. We can better practice self-control.

As a convert of 2 years, I have not always followed the counsel in the Word of Wisdom. Thankfully, I grew up in a home with parents who showed and continue to show temperance, and I, myself, have never dealt with addiction to a harmful substance. I gave up alcohol first. Later, when I began studying the gospel in earnest, I gave up coffee and tea. I have never been a regular smoker. My eating habits did not change too much, although I began to spread out my meat consumption to begin using it more “sparingly”. When I gave these items up, everything/my world felt clearer. Almost like a slight veil was gone from the world. It was one less thing to worry about.

My transition was not too difficult. I have vices elsewhere, of course. But I know that the transition can be overwhelming for many who want to or are converting, or for members who are struggling with addiction. When studying the topic more, I found out that the revealed Word of Wisdom was not originally given as a commandment. Some of the Saints in 1833 had habits or addictions. The Lord allowed time for them to change. Not until an 1851 General Conference did the prophet Brigham Young propose that the Saints make a formal covenant to follow the counsel. After unanimous acceptance, the instruction became a binding commandment. Just as the Lord had compassion on the Saints, we can also grow in our compassion for and willingness to help those not yet following or struggling to follow the Word of Wisdom. The church has an addiction recovery program, and stresses that those struggling receive help through prayer, family, friends and church leaders. In addition, one can find recommendations for how to help and encourage those struggling with addiction in Preach My Gospel.

As I have developed a testimony of truth of the Word of the Wisdom spiritually, I have also been able to see its truth in my professional life. I have been researching the ill effects of tobacco and the best ways to help tobacco users quit. In addition, I perform some tobacco industry monitoring tasks in my job. I have learned how the Lord’s counsel was given “in consequence of the evils and designs which do and will exist in the hearts of conspiring men in the last days.” (Doctrine & Covenants 89:4) He truly has “warned and forewarned” us in these latter days. You might or might not be shocked to know how invested the tobacco industry is in getting you to smoke. How these conspiring figures have knowingly pushed addiction and harm on the public, particularly the most vulnerable, the mentally ill, the poor, and the most stressed individuals throughout the world. Are you surprised to know that some tobacco companies give out free cigarettes at homeless shelters? Of the 21% of Americans who smoke, up to 70% want to quit. Only about 2-3% are successful at quitting each year. On a positive note, the rise of telephone quit lines, effective tobacco prevention and treatment strategies, and medicinal therapies are helping users quit more and more.

We should also be aware of the push for other unhealthy behaviors. The social acceptance of heavy drinking (and its expectation among youth), recreational drug use, overuse of caffeine, overeating, and poor nutrition are also evidence of the truth of the warning in the Word of Wisdom. Some suggestions to combat the latter two vices - cook at home more, trying to incorporate fresh, locally-grown fruits and vegetables into a diet as much as possible. Space out consumption of meat and make healthy substitutions in recipes where possible. These small differences can give us more vitality and thanksgiving for our food. Healthy food can taste great and often cost the same or less than processed foods. The Farmer’s Market program that our ward has started is a great example of following the Word of Wisdom!

I hope that we in the church and those around us can be strengthened when faced with temptation and trial. I testify that following the Word of Wisdom will bring many blessings to you and family, as it has to me and mine. Your world will be clearer. You can better face other challenges and be more worthy of the Spirit to help you meet them. I pray that we will not be afraid to stand up for this righteous choice and that we will grow in love, compassion, and desire to help those who are struggling with addiction.

I say these things in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.