This will be another difficult post to write, but my motivation lies in helping other women feel they are not alone. I started my Motherhood series talking about
body image, this post discusses how becoming a mother has changed my mind and mood.
I felt amazing throughout both of my pregnancies, excited and honored to be holding a little life in my belly. I noticed during the pregnancies and the postpartum year it became much harder to focus on work, much harder to focus on anything other than babies and preparing for babies. This still lingers in me.
After Kai was born, I had tremendous struggles with breastfeeding. We followed everything to the book and beyond, lots of help with doulas, lactation consultants, family, other breastfeeding moms, etc. Even with this, there was a lot of tears, stress, pain, and low supply. I think the first time I really cried was when our pediatrician told us "You need to supplement with formula." For two weeks, Kai and I had been working on nursing sessions every two hours, each lasting 50 minutes. He was a very sleepy baby I could not keep awake nor interested. In between the sessions, I was pumping, eating, resting, and trying to bond with my sleepy baby. I was sitting on my couch topless and in pain all day.
IT WAS AWFUL. When the doctor told me that we needed to supplement our non-thriving baby, my heart sunk. I felt like a failure, my body was failing to nourish my child. Mother's guilt begins!
Breastfeeding became a constant battle of ounces versus the bonding experience it was intended to be. There was constant room for self-criticism and worry, literally
ALL the time. This began to subside a bit as Kai got older and less sleepy. We moved back to exclusive breastfeeding after a month, but going back to work/pumping put me into the numbers game again. I've had a much better experience with Asher. No supply problems and much healthier, but the worry still lingers in me from the trauma of Kai's early months. And that is what I label it...trauma. It was real.
My
postpartum depression (PPD) with Kai sprung from those breastfeeding experiences. It took me longer to bond with Kai, although I did bond well as feeding got easier. I felt helpless, angry at myself, constant failure - very negative self-talk. I also believe my PPD was related to hormone imbalances/effects from breastfeeding -
read this article for more info. I noticed a shift in my mood at 6 months, when feedings decreased and solid food started. And when we began to wean Kai at 11 months, I felt wonderful and happy again. The cloud lifted. I didn't realize I had PPD until it was gone. (Note many women have
mood swings hit when they wean, the opposite of my experience.)
With Asher, I felt wonderful for two months postpartum. I had gone to the Apex LDS temple just two days prior to the birth, and I attribute part of this to the blessings I received there. When month three/Christmas/winter colds and flu hit, the depression came back stronger than ever. It was different though...my main symptom was losing my temper over little things, yelling, feeling overwhelmed. I was having a very hard time with my toddler. I felt immensely guilty about these over-reactions, but I also couldn't seem to control them. This brought up lots of deep feelings of failure and un-worthiness to be a mother. I could not meet my expectations. I also found myself obsessing over thoughts about Asher accidentally getting injured or harmed, sometimes keeping me up at night. At my worst moments, feeling like the kids deserved a better mother than me, and I should give up trying to do a good job raising them. Note these all of these thoughts are not ever-present. They come occasionally, but they color the rest of the day with one big negative snowball effect.
Again, I've noticed breastfeeding is linked. When I increase feedings, I have bad days. This time, I read more and was more proactive. I've started going to cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), but I'm hoping to switch to DBT or MBCT for the awesome mindfulness elements.
If you have any great recommendations, let me know! No medication, but for many women, this is part of treatment. Except, we
did do
placental encapsulation (which helped to smooth my moods, but there was only enough pills for a few months. I know, I know, I officially became a hippie with this. And yes, we will do it again if we have any more kiddos). I have just recently begun to
slowly cut back Asher's feedings to see if this will help with my mood. Aaron and I began meditating together in a
40-day challenge, and I found my mind becoming clearer (but not blessed with the patience I as hoping for). Yoga and getting outside has been great. We also took a
toddler discipline workshop through Durham County Co-op Extension and read several books to learn more communication and discipline techniques. Here are a
list of Triangle resources. All of this was helpful, but I still have some bad days. Slowly, we are becoming whole and more healthy.
I'm not sure why all of this happened, but there have been some tremendous blessings coming from all of it. It has provided space for me to connect with other mothers in a way I couldn't have before. I have more understanding and empathy for those suffering with mental illness, those who lash out at others, those who act out of fear and insecurity. My depression has been labeled as mild, but it also helps me to understand people dealing with
chronic and major depression. We are all struggling with something. I have also become extremely interested in moving my career towards helping women, with childbirth preparation, postpartum support, and breastfeeding. (thought about counseling, nurse midwifery, doula, etc - any suggestions?)
This fear, insecurity, and uncertainty seems to underlie the mommy wars too, as described beautifully on
Healthy Tipping Point (one of my fav healthy living blogs). I admit I have uncertainty
all the time if I am parenting the best way I can. It is an easy, unconscious jump from uncertainty to become defensive about our parenting decisions, another easy jump to attacking others who choose to parent differently. I think we are really just all unsure, trying to do the best we can with what we know and what our heart tells us.
I don't understand why I was given the opportunity to be a biological mother and others are not. Mothering intersects with very deep feelings of self-worth, connection, family, potential, judgement. Therefore, no matter what your journey looks like (children or not, married or not, fertility or infertility, sexual orientations, working or not), some negative stuff is bound to come up. It is tapping into the deepest parts of our soul. Motherhood has called me to question my own ability to mother well, my own self-worth....and yet, is has also give me undeniable increased love, an undeniable desire to selflessly sacrifice, and undeniable concern for the well-being of these tiny persons I am responsible for. It is the refiner's fire. It is quite overwhelming from all sides. I am so grateful for the many family and friends who have been supportive of our family and me as an individual...this is how I've made it through, with our village. I'm particularly grateful to the many strong women in my life who reached out to me.
The evidence is there that support is the key for treating PPD. It is just a natural desire to want to form stronger connection with women as we embark upon these many journeys in , around, or away from motherhood.
Any thoughts on motherhood? How has your journeys in, around, or away from motherhood affected your mind?
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